I'm listening to Social Code and for some reason it's reminding me of you, maybe because they're Canadian. I still have those pictures of you.

If you're reading, I hope you're doing well... and you're happy.

It's incredible how sometimes - or in my case, most times - a crush on someone can drive you apeshit mad. I may come across a bit insane here but believe me I'm not, well, I guess that would have to depend on what your definition of insane is so maybe I meet your requirements of insanity who knows.

Due to my tastes, I am unfortunately stuck with slim pickings and tend to always fall for people that I know I can't ever get - unless I drug them heh heh I'm kidding! So because of this I tend to crush over the unattainable. It's really annoyingly ironic that the ones I crush over meet my idealism toward what I think makes a great significant other.

Lately I'm smitten by a dear friend of mine I'm trying my dearest to ignore but I get excited every time said person merely logs on to IM. Aside from the looks this person's got the sweetest personality ever and is so kind. Why can't I meet someone like that who fit every criteria needed! Ah well I just have to ignore it. Another friend of mine was telling me about her latest crush - she has it worse than me hahahaha, maybe not actually. She's luckier than me I can tell you that much.

As for me and meds - still nothing. Well I don't know yesterday I was in a bit of an alright mood. We'll see i'm now gonna enter my 3rd week. I'm still trying to keep hope, even though life keeps trying to test that, one bullshit at a time. sometimes 2 bullshits at a time.

I'm still trying to plan toward a goal of mine, trying to keep to a strict budget so far I'm getting close to passing over it but I think I'll manage. This is the first month.

Next month Ramadhaan starts so I'll be fasting, hope I grow spiritually from it. I'm not the most religious Muslim on the planet but I do look forward to fasting time as it helps build my strength.

Hmm tis all for now...

So I'm on meds now for about a week. I don't feel any different, good or bad. I guess I should be greatful that I'm not feeling any of the negative side effects? But I don't think I'm feeling anything at all. Hmmm well I guess I'll have to wait, because the doc did say it will take 2 weeks till I really feel something.

I really don't know what else to talk about. I'm just trying to keep hope that I'll be able to change. That I'll be able to achieve my goals but it all seems to unattainable right now. I am a bit discouraged by the obstacles in my way.

i've been in my bed for most of this weekend. I have overslept that's for sure.

right at this very moment, I really wish I could talk to Billy Corgan to find out in detail how has anti-depressants helped him, if at all and if he still has moments where he has to cope with this.

Because what's the point? I'm running out of my cheap tricks and thrill tactics. I'm not thinking about doing myself in... no. But maybe something far worse, wasting away till it's that time?

People would and might say, well what's your problem? You don't have *insert list of common day problems* and all I can think is seriously, who the fvck asked you? How dare you compare me to others. You don't think I wish I had a valid reason, though the proper wish would be to not have it at all. But how DARE you?

Then there's the get up and do logic. Do what? what for? what's the point? What the hell for?! God fvcking dammit do I feel like a puss right about now. As much I'm thinking what the hell's talking with him gonna do, he might just say what I already know or what everyone who has gone thru this would say. I don't know...

But thats what I wish I can do right about now; find out from him as detailed as possible what has it been like and if he still has the on again off again moments.

I'm thinking about this friend I had to recently sever ties with and by extension other friends I've drifted away from. However, this one friend in particular we (somewhat) mutually agreed to stop talking. This friend actually requested this from me and I (un)fortunately after rationalizing the situation understood why this friend wanted it, even though I still think it unnecessary. Yes I am purposefully trying to hide the sex of the friend though, if said friend is reading the friend would know it's aimed in their direction. I hate using their but I guess in this context it fits and save me from typing in such a confusing manner.

It actually stems a bit from two things, the kind of relationship we had - border lined on emotionally draining at some points, while the other thing was our view on Religion and Spirituality.

I admittedly did put my religion on the back burner for various reasons, one of which will not be stated here, but because of my life style - some may say it was a choice when some would say it isn't - I decided to distance myself from religion till I felt strong enough to deal with it. However, God and I have an understanding, we know where we stand with each other. He/she knows that I think about him/her often enough. I know all God wants from me is to be happy and live a good life, respectful of others around me.

That might come across a little stupid to those who follow religion staunchly. Maybe seeing it as a bullshit excuse to do my wrongs. I just can't see God being as egotistical, anger filled and discriminatory as most religions make him/her out to be. Clearly the God in religions are MEN.

Anyways back to this friend, aside from our emotionally baggage some of the other reasons for our disconnect was because of Religion. The views they share with not only their family but their partner.

In our Religion - the one that we were born into, certain social situations that most people in this part of the world are accustomed to are not really accepted and if you ask me it's a really foolish reason yet at the same time TOTALLY understandable... but more so foolish because it's quite restrictive yet I guess humans need that kind of child like restriction placed on them sometimes.

We used to argue about why should this be a reason for us to part I was mostly being unreasonable because I just didn't want to lose this friend. But we did talk further and realize there was really nothing further we can do for each other and that this is the circumstance we've been given. I sure do have hope that one day life will bring us back together as stronger friends.

Now in defense of this friend, I wasn't exactly giving my all. Anyways, what's done is done. And I can only hope we meet again...



The reason why I bring this up is mostly due to the fact I'm beginning to re-explore my faith again. Albeit very slowly. I can just feel like I need to make a change before I lose it all. Not like I have that much to lose at the moment, which just makes it all more important.

I recently came into contact with someone who just got me all excited about various things and he pointed me in a direction. I have to admit, and he did warn that, this direction isn't all that easy to make sense of. Since talking with him it has really made me think a lot about how I operate and I'm changing that bit by bit... by having a much more assertive attitude toward tasks.


Man I just lost my train of thought

ok bye bye.
-Saeed

Not much to really talk about. I just want to really make mention of a site I did for some friends' band. The Generals.

Along with my best friend, we put up this site for them. It was actually a school project for me thats now a professional project. The url is:

http://www.the-generals.net

hope you guys like the music.


Other than that well I started trying to get my depression in order because it came back, really badly. My motivation is slowly coming back for guitar, been playing a little more often now. Work is slowly picking up too. School work however, is still at an unhealthy low. Maybe that one is normal, heh.
Here's hoping my playing guitar helps me a bit with the depression.

I'm not on meds though, well not as yet. The doc said to hold on and wait for a bit time goes on with more and more sessions she'll see if I need it or not.

Hmmm had some issues to deal with it in the friend dept... that's dealt with and unfortunately it didn't turn out the way we would have liked it to turn out but times goes on, people come and go... hopefully come back again.

My eczema is still an annoying lil cunt, but my skin isn't too badly off. I have noticed I don't itch as much in the night anymore so here's hoping to no more itching in the nights soon!

As for my operation vegan routine, that got cancelled. Fvck it! Well maybe not, I still don't eat as much cheese as I used to so maybe in time.

that's all for now.

fvckshitbitchpiss

i dunno

So I've been very bad in the diet department eating stuff I shouldn't be eating like today - drinking soft drink or sometime ago having a slice of cake with egg.

It's really hard to try and stick to this very strict diet. I know it's not expected to change over night but FVCK! is it hard. I have such little will power when it comes to food. I am trying, I am consuming more fruit and fresh fruit juice and have cut back on cheese a lot though i slipped up last week and this morning. I don't have ice cream or milk anymore can't remember the last time I did.

I however need to work on water in take, because I work in an air conditioned office I don't feel the need to drink water because I'm obviously not getting thirsty.

I found this blog today: http://atopiceczema.wordpress.com/2007/05/

I have to say it's been comforting reading it, I know I'm not alone and I know there are lots of others with eczema but it's comforting to actually read about how others handle it and know the suffering it is. We're (eczema sufferes) are not asking for a free pass or to be treated as handicapped but there are quite a few people who are so God damn ignorant about it that it's frustrating but most of us just have to shut up and take it because we know its no use arguing. Not to mention it just adds stress. All we want is some fvcking understanding. That we can't do, eat and go through the same things as people with out it or any skin related ailments like psoriasis and so on.

Lately I have been really stressed out my depression has gotten very bad lately in the lack of motivation portion of the depression episodes. I don't feel suicidal just well extremely lethargic and fed up of fighting. I'm so tired of it all now I just wanna sleep all day or just waste the day away I feel like there's not point but some how something in me just keeps me going even if its just barely. At least keeps me going at work... can't say the same for school though.

I'm lookin into seeing someone again and maybe going on meds. We'll see. Can't say the current eczema reactions are helping though I guess it's my fault. What the fvck ever.

-Saeed

Well I've slipped up a few times this week in dairy department and I think I'm paying the price. I have one bad congestion and cough right now and I feel out of breath. Mind you I do suffer from seasonal allergies too so the milk probably just aggravated it. It's also been REEEALLLYY cold these past few nights, might be warm for some of you heh.

Other than that I am eating lots of veges and fruits now I always have a fruit in the morning.

That's I'll talk about for now... my attention span has just diminished.

-Saeed

I did ok I guess, I slipped up twice and had a cheese croissant sandwich (with tomatoes and lettuce mind you). I've been eating fruit for breakfast every morning. From Paw Paw (I the rest of the world calls it Papaya?), Watermelon and Bananas. My favourite fruit I have to say right now is indeed watermelon.

As for the sugar intake... umm aside from cookies now and then and home made apple tarts I have cut back A LOT this week!

My eczema still is driving me up a wall. A good friend said I really have to try to be more positive and don't let me General Anxiety and Depression get to me. This like I said before is really hard, though as of late I can't honestly think of anything that's been bugging me as of late. So maybe its a subconscious thing?

Ah well tis all for now,
-Saeed

Ok, so I've been reading more and more about eczema and what works for some people and almost every site says meat well aside from fish meat, has an acid that is known to make eczema flare ups worse. Oh and yeah stress, but you and I both know my stress reduction is as rare as Guns N Roses releasing chinese democracy, though I'd like to think I'd chill out faster than that album comes out.

Anyways, so yes, almost everyone says, try to keep it as organic as possible and consume LOTS of fruits and vegetables and stay away from dairy. Roadblock number 1: lack of dairy: I love cheeese! It has been really hard to cut back on cheese, I used to consume it everyday now its once or twice a week. Next step, total elimination!

And well I have sweet teeth and I eat alot of junk especially when i'm depressed so I've been trying to control that. When I tell you this has been HAAARD! But I have increased my fruits and vegetables. I'm also trying to drink more water.

So this is my plan go all vegan and eat healthier and see if this helps my eczema. I'm also taking lots of supplements. Like Omega 3 6 and 9 tablets, Vit B and C and E, Calcium and zinc tablets. There's more I can't think of right now.

Hmm So I'll try to keep a somewhat diet diary on here, but I won't update that often. Before someone thinks I'm goin insane for not getting proper advice, I did and I have the go ahead to do this. I'm already vegetarian so might as well right?

Other than that school has started back, lets see how hectic the projects would be. That's all for now.

Take Care
-Saeed

"That I would be good, If I did nothing," the opening lines for one of Alanis Morisette's intimate and personally overwhelming song, "That I Would Be Good" is playing in the background as part of a mellow playlist I have on iTunes. No surprise that I am at the moment doing nothing - constructive that is.

I'm hungry, far from sleepy and my mind is drifting in an out of thoughts that I'm too tired to steer clear from. However, I am still floating high in the sky probably back in the earth's atmosphere. I got back some grades from last year's courses and they were astounding. I surprised my own self. I got a Distinction, 3 Merits and a Pass.

The highlights for me especially were the distinctions I got for the projects I enjoyed the most. A pretend live show I had to direct, produce and conceptualize and a website I had to create and also conceptualize. Oh there's also the podcast and short film I edited which got me some high grades too.

I can definitely say I'm proud of myself there, and yes that is bewilderment and surprise you're detecting. I am surprised I did so well. I've now 2 more subjects to do that I have to repeat actually and then my final year.

This past month has also been interesting in the friend department. I got into a conversation that still blows me away. I feel like the friend I once knew is gone. I'm not nearly as depressed as this is sounding. It's just all so very shocking really, the subject matter of this conversation, but it's all love in the end, really it is we only want what’s best for our friends and I'm happy she's finding it on the path she's taking. I know she wants that same happiness for me, the happiness I seem to be getting trouble to find, or avoiding, depends on how you're looking at it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my future, since telling some close friends about my wonderful grades the question that seems to be coming up is "So what are you going to do when you're finished school?". Well variations of that question. To answer that question here, well, I really don't know. For the past 4 years I've been dreaming about moving to Canada. Maybe Canada has something that I want, need or am missing.

The thing is my pessimism mumbles to me every now and then that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. This may be true but it sure as hell can't be any less green than here! Ah well, like I usually tell my friends when they ask that question, I'll think of that when the time draws near. At this rate I honestly don't know when I'll be done because apparently the school is still trying to organize this final degree year. Either way, there is no doubt what so ever in my mind that I'm going to complete this. I've come too far to stop at this level. Yes, yes that is determination. I know right, determination? Coming from me?! Surely you're thinking you've found in yourself in the freakiest Alfred Hitchcock movie. That might be fun huh? But no, this is reality. I am determined to finish school.

On to my art project I wanted to do. This 4th poem has not come to life yet. It seems like the character is dead, or in a coma. Maybe it's over and it'll be just a trilogy. Who knows? I'm not going to dwell on it anymore. My guitar playing has been scarce these days also. I guess my mind is too busy getting caught up in its own world to do anything else. The same goes for my video editing practice that has come to a staggering halt. However, i am getting interested again in photography, mostly because I recently took some photos for a local band's concert this Saturday past. I want to save up and get a better camera but the cost is really discouraging.

There's so much other stuff on my mind right now, I really can't share. I know, I know; so then why the fvck do I have a blog? It's annoying isn't it? When people speak in code, but I think that's their... our way of letting out the demons without killing them... maybe we'll get the courage to massacre them the way they deserve, i.e. articulate explicitly what's on our mind.

All I can tell you is that the troubles on my mind aren’t anything new. It's the same cliché that any 20 something is known to carry... well in this case a neurotic 20 something. Hmmm I've rambled on enough here. I'll try to post something soon again... TRY.

So, this superchrist video is somethin' huh? Its amazing to see how people are split about it. When I first saw it (all still half asleep from waking up) I was wondering WTF! then I watched it a second time and I couldn't help but be so mesmerized. I looked up the director Justin Coloma to see his other work, I love what he did for one of a Linda Strawberry video and the cinematography in another video for Jupiter Blue - Anthem for the Jaded. I also liked the Seeds documentary he did. I have to spend more time looking through his videos.

It seriously has inspired me to try and get back into practicing video editing. I feel like such a noob at it but say what, have to start at that level to only get better.

Anyways I think its quite interesting that the band chose this route for the video, there were so many big budget possibilities they could have easily made a grand video like SIYL, but in some way this video was grand in itself. Grand because of how it visually had so much in such a small budget...

I'm also VERY excited to have read that SP is out of a label. I wrote in an essay for the application my thoughts on the band had they stayed together they would have pioneered the internet band "revolution". They got the ball rolling in 2000 if you ask me... though Duran Duran really did back in 97, now that I think about it. I should have mentioned that but I guess I slipped my mind.

I really can't wait to see what else they'll do.

Because of the Superchrist video I went and learned how to clone myself in video. Got some help from a youtube video to REMIND ME that there's a crop function in Premiere Pro. Now to just perfect it which I'm sorta dreading, I have low patience hahaha so I'm not good with practicing, though I know its a sort of necessary evil haha.

In other news, I've been learning more about guitar theory. Trying to understand how 9ths are formed and re-learning 7ths. I always understood 7ths but just had to refresh my memory and realized there are 3 versions of 7ths and not just two. It's all a bit confusing sometimes but I'm gettin there. Practicing scales is tedious though... and I constantly get my fingers in a knot.

I've also been discussing with a recent online friend about Marilyn Manson and Smashing Pumpkins concept albums. I find it so intriguing how these bands first off borrowed from the same sources and practically had a similar message in both of their concepts. Also, their characters how they assumed roles. It always had my mind going ever since I heard about the concepts a few years back. The idea of a band using albums to tell stories and assume roles in the media.

It has even driven me to develop this character I've written in a trilogy of poems. Been trying to work on an idea for a 4th poem to go along with the series. Whether or not I'll turn them into songs is a next thing because I'm still stuck with my song writing, I can barely get a full instrumental yet alone think of vocal melodies and lyrics... blame it on a lack of confidence I guess.

ah well back to reading about chords...

peace out for now,
_saeed

"It's like you're creeping under my skin with fire hands. The chemicals all lose the battle.

You climb up my skull sucking the serotonin, banishing me from my sanity. In the two weeks gone you've ruled with your iron fist., so predictably unpredictable.

Keep it up my friend, you'll soon have me. I grow weaker, as you win. No longer can I ask for you to stop for it's useless...

I've gained pleasure from this pain, you've left me debilitated in this habit, you've got me to fight against myself."

a possible fourth installment to the thanatos series? Or is this another demon all by himself?