Please someone let me recruit them for WoW so I can get a free month! You'll get a 10 day trial! Pleaseeee! No need to buy it yet, you can download the client from their website. ^_^ Message me if you wanna.

is effing retarded. I haven't posted in a loong time because I forgot my password... rofl. My boyfriend and I are looking for a house around Seattle, but it's really sucking so far. We're gonna have to spend like 200 grand to get a decent house... plus we'll need like 3 bedrooms... yeah, he has a daughter and it's driving me crazy. I'm thinking I shouldn't be a part of it, but I do really love him and I want to try to be a good friend to her... meh. He's been gone for hours - and I suppose he's happy about that - I mean, what with the not wanting to see my annoying-ness and all. Which reminds me, I am SO not annoying! I just hate little shits who don't have any respect. I'm looking out my window as I type this, waiting to see my car pull up (which he drives everyday to work)... I'm dreading tomorrow morning cuz I'll have to watch her again when he works. *BARF* And we don't even get any alone time. No wonder he's grumpy! I would be too if I had a... 7 year-old thing crawling all over my genitals and stepping on them, begging for cake and ice cream, staining my carpet red from otter pops... that's just a BIT of it! Oh yeah, don't forget the one where she likes to smack me in the eyes.

I don't know if this makes me an awful person or not, but... I swear I almost throttled her like 10 times today... and I WANTED to. I have rage blackouts still, I guess. I don't do kids, and it makes me sad. Do as in... ew, yeah. I don't do well with them.

So I guess it means I'm not right for him. He wants a wife, not a thing to have sex with that doesn't like his kid.

Is so sweet, but it really doesn't feel like that now. The boy I loved is completely gone, he just poofed... for the last time, I think. I am a very sad and tired Hezza.

I just wish things were simple again.

Anyway, I'm going to move to Cali within a year, most likely, and at least I still have my Lisa.

September 21, 2007 was the best day of my life!!! (Minus the big fight with my best friend...) Anyway.

I got to see the Pumpkins live for the first time ever! The first thing I thought was, "Billy is so [bad word removed]ing gorgeous." Billy is my hero... getting to see your hero in real life is always a magnificent experience. I'll never forget it. I wish I could have met him and tell him how much he means to me, but he might think I'm nuts anyway... bleh.

OMG and I also finished Heroes season one. SO EFFING GOOD. Go watch now! I cried like a baby. xD

Much love and many blessings,

Hezza-chan

I just watched a movie called "Zeitgeist," and it really made me think more than I have for a year.

It's not good to watch if you don't have an open mind... but I think everyone deserves to see it and forumlate their own opinions and thoughts on the matter. That being said, take it with a grain of salt... it's just showing you something you never thought about.

http://zeitgeistmovie.com

Really, really good if you keep an open mind. I really enjoyed it. Best 2 hours of my day.

Cheers, and never stop learning,

Heatherz

I am going to see Elijah in August and I am SO excited. Maybe I can even see him sooner than that.

Anyway, it's going to be a blast because I haven't seen him in such a long, long time. I have always felt we were meant for each other. He had changed my life and he is still doing so. He encourages me to get better... he is my motivation - or part of it.

I am a very, very happy Heather.

I love you, Elijah... you make me feel innocent and happy again. It really brings me back to when we were 15 and 16 and so on... I have fond memories of when we stood under that tree in autumn, and you held me... I remember the soft sun shining on us, and how warm you made me feel inside. Even though I was fighting a sickness, you helped keep it at bay. Love, love, love. I am home again. Thank you.

Love,
Heather

I hate dipshits. Really, they should just die. I talked to someone today who was talking shit about Satanism and they didn't know one true thing about it. Seriously, if you're going to be a douche and rip on things, KNOW what the hell you're talking about. They didn't even know about any other religions. They just rambled on and on. Hell, they didn't even READ THEIR OWN BIBLE. W.T.F m8?

A little while back, someone told me I'm too loud... I punched them in the face and broke their ear drum. Too loud for you now, bitch? Shut up and die.

I was in class the other day, trying to cheer up an acquaintance because she had been crying. I suggested we talk about something "funny and light-hearted," and I didn't detect from ANYONE a reason not to, so naturally I started talking about movies, etc, and how they may relate to our "studies." Youm know, cracking jokes about random shit. Everybody had a good laugh... because I am awesome.

Of course at this point, the "therapist" saw it fit to butt her fat ass in and said something like, "I think we should go back to HER." What the [bad word removed] bitch? She spent 15 minutes crying and all she wanted to do is forget about it. SHE OPENLY SAID THAT. Stop bringing it up you stupid [bad word removed]. Just because you have a Masters in Psychology and some other bullshit degree doesn't mean you can sit there and make someone else feel like shit for two hours straight. What the [bad word removed] is wrong with you? I think you should retire, because it looks like at this point, all your clients will commit suicide because you're a moron.

I'm going to end my rant because I'm getting really tired now. Anyway, my point is... stop being morons and read a damn book - read ANYTHING but [bad word removed]ing vogue magazine and CosmoGirl... it won't make you hot or smart or sexy. It's a bunch of bullshit lies to try and make you feel less pretty, if anything. Don't change "your look" for people. If they don't like you, then they don't deserve you. End.

Ummmm... I do NOT know why I made that my title. I'm reallym bad with them, I guess. So anyway, I was really angry when I wrote my last blog, so I'm going to write a normal (ish) one.

Now, let's see if I can come up with something.

...

Wait for it...

Okay, I really don't have anything to talk about, surprisingly, because I am usually so flipping loud and talkative. They say it's part of my illness, but I think it's how I AM... does that even make sense? I don't know what makes sense anymore. I mean, it changes. Sometimes stuff makes sense, and sometimes I'm like,"wtf m8?"
Mind you, I'm talking about how sometimes the SAME THING confuses me... Like one minute I'll GET it, then the next I don't?

I am so flipping tired and I have no idea why. I only missed two hours of sleep and I'm like, BEAT. Some days I wish my name was Holly... I want to live in the Playboy mansion. I could really use that medical insurance, man... Oh yeah, and maybe a really fast car so I can total it and rack up even MORE hospital bills. YEAH! Morphine 4 mi plz kthx...

I used to do prescription drugs and I'm still having some problems... That is REALLY hard to admit because I don't want anyone to know. I automatically get the sense it's even more wrong when people know. I haven't told anyone this, except for my best friend Kyle... and he doesn't know what to do with me. I am in a very dangerous place right now - I get my medications without any copay because I am on a state program called GA-X, provided through the Department of Social and Health Services.

This means even if I am not feeling "crazy" one day... I know how it feels to well up inside me, I know how to bring it out and I know how to make it last... this also means that if I want to, all I have to do is drive myself into chaos and my doctors can prescribe me the drugs I crave. It is also made easier (and much much harder too)because, like other mental illnesses, there is no cure... I will live with it for the rest of my life. I'm sorry - I really don't know why I'm typing this right now. I guess I want someone to know. I want to help people understand because when I started experiencing my own sickness, so did everyone around me... and some very precious relationships dissolved before my very eyes, and though it hurt it drove me further into my rage, thus pushing the people I WANTED to be near me farther away.

There are only a few left... and I thank God every day for them, because they are all that's left of my happy, perfect life... I hang on to them because if they disappear, so do the memories of my "old" life that I want back so [bad word removed]ing much... I want my friends back, I want my happiness, I want everything back that this darkness took away from me. I feel very empty and alone most of the time. I am trying so hard to learn to accept and cope with my new reality.

Accepting the fact that I have lost many things, feelings, and people is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It still hurts every single day, and it's hard to imagine it will ever stop... but I guess someday I'll learn to be perfectly content with all I have. Letting go of everything I knew... I don't even know how to explain it. I pray to the Lord every single day, asking if He can take all this pain and sickness away from me... I ask, "Father, have I disappointed you so much that You believe I need this somehow? Father, I promise to be Good and Just... I promise to give of myself and do things that are right. I promise to try my best to change my world... to spread Your word."

The only answer I get is a feeling... I feel a small part of His love and trust in me, and also that I have to keep trying to make the best of my sickness. Someday I do plan to educate people and to help them cope with this, too.

So, this has been a very long post, but all this is very important for me to get out... for me and for others who are hurting. Maybe they don't know why, and it kills them to wake up to it everyday... maybe they think they have done something very wrong and they are paying for something they don't even know they did. For all of you, I want you to know you are not alone. And even though I may not know you, I love you very much. I am proud of you and I believe in you... Please never, never give up. I don't want to see any more precious lights go out... especially due to suicide... I believe very much that our Father will come to comfort us and heal us at the end of time. Have faith.

God bless,
Heather

Lazy! So I'm typing a really short blog. I have to get ready for the day and I am still in my pajamas! WTF?

I'm actually really happy today - except for the fact I had a nightmare about spiders ALL over my bed, and I woke up with the biggest headache the world has ever heard of. Seriously! I guess I was cringing for the dream's duration? Or clenching my teeth? I guess I might do that... I mean... Um, anyway. That's silly.

Okay, I am a nerd. I love MMOs. I play some.
So, to ALL Guild Wars players - Let me know you play so we can play together! I started about a week ago and I need new friends. I'm not quite famous yet. Come have fun with me! If you are a newbie nerd, or are considering playing...
head on over to http://guildwars.com and read up on it! You pay once for the game (and the other campaigns as they come out) but you don't have to pay a monthly fee to play! YAY! It has really nice graphics, and the developers came from Blizzard - who are VERY reputable and respected in the gaming industry... as some of you may know, they hold the monopoly now (as far as MMO's go) with "World of Warcraft."

If you want fun, good gameplay, a rocking community, NO monthly fees, and you want to use your OWN creativity to create and play your character HOWEVER YOU WANT... Guild Wars is for you! Promise.

Contact me if you want more info and don't feel like reading every stinking thing on their site... or, you know, contact me for any reason.

Peace and love,
Hezzah

...so I decided to post a new one. What's new? Going to connect groups, meeting tons of new and interesting people, experiencing other peoples' baby drama. ...
(Stares at spot on monitor) :'(

...Anyway! My new mission is to adopt/rescue a bunny rabbit! I've been reading voraciously about care and all that great stuff. Perhaps some day I can even breed my own bunnies! Can't wait. I love exotic pets - I wish I could have kept my Chinchilla... but I was young and I knew someone else would give her the special attention she needed.

I haven't played WoW in 4 days! Huzzah!

I have stuff to do... so, cheers!

A while back, some people may recall I was psyched about going to California to be with someone I have loved for a very, very long time. This person told me he loved me too - and that sometime next year he'd move up here to be near Seattle... I also thought it was to be with me, so I started planning around the notion we'd live together... etc...

When I arrived, I did not see him once... for I realized he was not in it for me... and that there was nothing I could give him that he could not get from -anyone- else. I was not speical, or beautiful, or worth the effort... or anything...

Today I figured out, easily and by myself, that he is not suffering my loss at all... or even just a bit sad about it. Not at all... not that it really matters, I guess... I want him to be happy, I do. He's not a bad person - in fact, somewhere in there is the boy I loved so passionately and deeply... but he's not mine anymore. Probably never will be again.

I saw his face and memories flooded my mind... happy, glossy, precious. I broke down and had to sleep it off for the whole day... but even when I awoke, I was still feeling every bit of it... tell me how to let go of your soul mate? I'll go my entire life not knowing...

My heart is bleeding on the floor and no one seems to notice... I thought I was happy. I am suffering on the inside, but I can still pretend I don't feel it any more... but not for much longer.

There is a hole in my heart and it is bleeding profusely... bleeding out my hopes, my happiness, my dreams, my ambitions... I am not asking why me, but rather... why am I not enough? Why am I never good enough? Why is it never enough to have me and ONLY me? I can't even cry because there is nothing left... everything I thought I was has melted away.

I am at my "lowest" low... The things that used to allow me to escape are no longer there, and I know better... but I still want to give up. I can't even talk to my best friend... I have never felt so alienated from -anyone-, ever. I don't know why but I feel our relationship is scary and something to stay away from... I feel so empty and alone. I wish I could have lived in my "brady bunch bubble" much longer, Elijah... not because I was stupid and young, but because I had you...

No matter how much I hurt inside I'll always be near you
Forever
Forever. . .

"Billy Wants To Be a Part of Your Sex Life,"
[bad word removed], I wish he WAS a part of mine. ;-;

Anyway, are there any WoW fans here or am I the only one? I'm looking for some fellow fans to play with. The other people I know are stupid. If you are Alliance and play on Dark Iron... or would LIKE to, let me know. My main is realllly close to 69. Lawl.

Also, please no flaming or laughter if you think I'm a nerd. I don't care, anyway, so you'd be wasting your time.

Been using it since I was like, I don't know... 16. It's a character from my favorite anime ever, Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon. (Yeah, I'm a nerd. I enjoy games and anime and other stuff like that) Her name means "Firefly sprouting from the Earth," and the english translation of her name was supposed to be either Heather or Hellen... and since Heather is my real name, it fits.

My mother almost named me Holly, which would have sounded absolutely ridiculous with my last name. Thankfully, she didn't pick that...