WHEN I'M OLD


When I’m old
My face will be the map of my past
All my joys and worries visible
My body will be like a withering plant
Longing for the strength of youth
But my mind
Nourished and pleased
With the paths I've taken.


----------------------------------

JANE

Last seconds, heartbeats,
Like the red petals falling
On your pale bosom.

Boy, I have to say that this anniversary really brings some good memories to my mind.. Siamese Dream is a classic record, in capital letters. It wasn't the first SP album I bought but it really did affect me. All the songs in the album are great but if I had to name some favourites, they would be Soma, Luna, Rocket, Geek U.S.A and Cherub Rock.

Hurray!

Next September I'm moving to Belgium for 4 months. I'm going there as an exhange student. However, even though I've searched for a small appartement or a room since the day I got the approval letter and have contacted about 70 people for this, I still haven't got a place to live there! I'm so mad and confused at the moment.

During this process, the university's actions have really shown how developped and well-structured the system there is. And by that I mean that it certainly is NOT well-organized.

I'm so stressed and worried that my sleep rhythm is messed and even when I think about the whole situation, I get tearful and I feel a burn in my stomach..

.. how amazing love song Stand Inside Your Love is. It's dark but it's also passionate and sincere - a very effective combination when I'm considered. I have always loved the song but it really hit me, I mean in a special way, only a couple of days ago. The final piece that was missing found its place, the rest of the words that before may have been open found their meaning. I really understood what the song is about. And I can relate to it in a deeper level.

After realizing the extraordinariness of the song, I became aware of the fact that how underrated the song is. It belongs to the top of the best love songs ever made. In my opinion.

Stand Inside Your Love has the charm that attracts me. It has the 'thing' that Pumpkins music overall has. I like the cracked and melancholic beauty of it all.

Just stopped stuffing myself with chocolate. Had to so that I wouldn't scare everyone in my swimsuit in the summer. It's enough that I'm almost as white as the font colour we use here. I do often call myself the Human Reflector.

Well, I guess it's good time to post another poem. A quite personal one. Here you go:


FERNHILL

Yes. I remember the house
The wooden floor and the cooking stove
The floral curtains, the birches
Peeking through the windows
The people
Politely talking, nodding, asking how-are-yous –
But something underneath

The old photographs and postcards
Pinned to the wall –
The mute faces and greetings
Welcoming the visitors from year to year

I remember: the pauses between words
The glances, movements, gestures
The burden lying heavy on him

How nothing was allowed to change
The same curtains
Since the day she was taken away
And her clothes still hanging on the line

There to be kept safe.

.. with my academic essay. Why is it so hard? W h y ?

Well, I put one of my poems here 'cause I like them and like writing them more than writing crappy essays.

-----

10 MINUTES

The man fell
On to the cobblestone pavement
He had tumbled on his side
The grit scratching his skin

There he lay
On the street

The deep red rose
Blossoming on his chest

The lamps and the houses
The observers.

------

Pomme.

I should be writing my academic essay but it's just driving me insane. I hate the strict form, the rules and everything that is involved in it. I cannot act that way. It's like mathematics to me -I don't understand it and, frankly, I don't even want to.

I like creative writing. During the past two years, I've let go of something that restricted me from expressing myself in ways other than art. I've drawn my whole life and it's a part of me, natural for me. I've also sang my whole life. Before, only to myself but, lately, I've let others hear my voice too. It is something that I have never really done because I was so afraid, but pursuing my dreams and my happiness, finding the right path for me, I've come to an end with my fear. Well, not completely yet, but that's my goal.

It's the same with creative writing. When I was a child, I liked to imagine things, make stories, play and dream. Education and the social structure of the schoolworld did their best to suppress my creativity. Well, of course I'm not totally innocent either: thanks to my tendency towards perfectionism and constant self-criticising, I did my best too. It took me several years of thinking and pondering, breaking my boundaries to end up here.

I still have time, don't I?

Do things happen slowly for some people?

How can I avoid becoming a bitter, repentant, old woman?

Back to work, which is in other words back to pulling my hair, sighing hopelessly in front of a blank, white, staring screen.

.. the American Gothic ep (Billy, now you can say that there are at least 6 Finnish fans who have bought it ) and listened to it. I've already heard the songs before but it's always nicer to listen them "properly" from a good stereo system.

The ep is beautiful. I loved the songs and especially the artwork done for the booklet. The images deepened the feeling I got from the music and the lyrics, and I immediately wanted to go and photograph something myself too. So it's also really inspiring!

I just came back from Helsinki, and I'm tired but happy. Oh, so happy. The band started with Porcelina and I was surprised because tears were filling my eyes -it was so mindblowing to see them again after 8 years. At first, I think that the audience was quite stiff, and Billy made some jokes about it. As I've told earlier, I had tickets for seats and I was really disappointed at the audience in front of the stage -I would have been jumping and aploding and hurraying the whole concert. Fortunately the audience warmed up and finally the atmosphere was wonderful. The band played over two hours which is great, especially because Billy said he had a cough and flu.

Well, I'll come back and write more after I'll calm down, get some rest and sort out my thoughts.

Hurray! Only two days and I'll be sitting in a train heading to Helsinki.

But because things can never go smoothly when I'm concerned, I caught a flu the day before yesterday. Now I've been stuffing myself with medicines, vitamins and green tea. I don't want anything to stop me from going to the concert. It's way too important for me, it is 7 seven years ago I last time saw the Pumpkins.

Watched the Superchrist video again and to my surprise I liked it now more than the first time. Actually, I liked the video from the start but the song was slightly more problematic for me. But as I already said earlier somewhere here, the beautiful violin part saves a lot and makes the song even more interesting. And today, the second time I listened to it, I liked the other parts as well. I guess that that is one of the characteristics of a good song; it grows on you, there's always something new for you to find.

Well, now I'm going to stop my incomprehensible babbling and go and eat something.

I have just realised that next monday will be a special day for me. That's the day when The Smashing Pumpkins will set their pretty feet on the ground of Finland. I thought that I will never see the band again but all my wishful thoughts have come true and they're coming to Helsinki!

Being a good girl and a longtime fan, I bought the tickets the day and the hour they were available. However, I had to order them by a shitty computer with a shitty Internet connection at my university and as an unfortunate result I'm going to be sitting somewhere near the backwall of the Icehall. It really pisses me off and slightly blemishes my excitement. Obviously, you can't always win.. At least I got the tickets.:/

Yep. So far, so good.