this is probably one of the biggest mysteries as far as i'm concerned.
do you recall your first memory of anything?
mine was in kindergarten and i'd rather not share it...

the big question is "what am i before that?"... hmmm, well i personally have no idea and the pictures of me naked and wearing silly costumes would never give light on what i'm concerned here with - consciousness....

it's like waking up one day and you're finally a conscious being. all of a sudden, the world becomes sensible. in other words, being born at the age of three or four. what i'm really puzzled at with is the thoughts that i had before that first memory, if ever there were any. (rephrase) what i'm really puzzled at with is if i was conscious before that first memory... or maybe before that i was nothing more than an animal that runs on instinct. hmmm... science could probably give me an answer to this one but then again my concern here is the essence of my being at that stage in my life (the question before the clean slate)...





?............



==============================================
it's been a while since i last visited this site because i'm busy with a lot of things (my thesis AARRRGGG). so yah, my presence here can be likened to a fart - i'll be here for a minute and then i'll magically disappear as if i was never here to begin with. so i'll just give a message, uhmm, when i do. (?)

truth, such a distant idea.
...and an idea it shall remain.
we look for it, we strive for it, and when we finally think that we've grasped it, it always turns out to be fake. but we regard it as what we expected it to be, for we are naive, or maybe even just plain stupid.

truth, a statement in accordance with reality.
hmmm, seems to be a little practical, but still it is flawed. we look from different windows - different eyes. we perceive things differently because of different biases and beliefs - we feel the world differently. reality then becomes ambiguous because of relativity.

here's the magic of it, a statement in accordance to a relative reality is erroneous. why? because relativity opens the doors to everything, even contradictions...

so the question still remains. my truth is different from yours, so what then is the truth?

(the more we think we know, the more we find out that we don't know.)






vanity.



==============================================
it's been a while since i last visited this site because i'm busy with a lot of things (my thesis AARRRGGG). so yah, my presence here can be likened to a fart - i'll be here for a minute and then i'll magically disappear as if i was never here to begin with. so i'll just give a message, uhmm, when i do. (?)

questions of the uncertain...

are we on the right track?
..and what is right?
will everything matter in the end of it all?
what am i looking for?
blah blah blah?


have you ever wished you were a little less significant? significant in the sense of the legacy of the whole human existence. vague? hmmm, let me make it easier. have you ever wanted to become a goat, or a cow, or even a cockroach?...why did i even bother. of course, you haven't. that is precisely because we take pride of what we are and that we like being here. but to tell you the truth, it's not so bad to be a little less significant in the sense that i've stated. "how?" you might ask, well...

you see if you're insinificant (e.g. you're a goat, or a cow, or a roach), you won't have to deal with the dilemmas of life: choosing and doing what is right or the otherwise; striving for what is wanted and, and times, even with what is needed; struggling between the real world and the dream world; giving answers to the never ending questions on morality; etc. etc. you see, we deal with all of these because we lost something. and that something is Instinct. we shunned it away from our lives. we forgot to live with it and to use it to live. what about intinct? well, it makes life so much easier by making us ammoral creatures of Neither. it makes us do things not because we want to do it but because we ought to do it. we no longer have to choose between what is right or wrong because it makes everything right in the sense that we will only choose what we are supposed to choose, thus erradicating the greedy nature of man. we will stop aiming for what is excessive because instinct tells you when you've had enough. we become neither good nor bad, but rather, we become Natural (something which we forgot to be)...


...oh, and of course, i know this is impossible.


==============================================
it's been a while since i last visited this site because i'm busy with a lot of things (my thesis AARRRGGG). so yah, my presence here can be likened to a fart - i'll be here for a minute and then i'll magically disappear as if i was never here to begin with. so i'll just give a message, uhmm, when i do. (?)

this time though, it's both literal and metaphorical. i have a cold so i can only breathe through one nostril and what's cool about it is whenever i puff when i'm smoking, the clogged nostril makes a thin sound. now isn't that cool?! (sorry if i seem to be only wasting your time, but you see, i think i just sneezed a small part of my brain a little while ago hence the stupid talk. we'll get to the somewhat sensible part later, err i hope.)



ugh



...later

(now the somewhat sensible part)
i'm finished with my internship so that's good, but the semester's about to start a few days from now and it won't be nice, i know. we'll start working on our theses on this sem. my problem though is that i don't even have a working topic right now. i don't know, but i think my brain cells are a little scarce right now hence the i don't know, you know?

two semesters left and i'm done with college. oh wait, there's law school. (gasp) i guess the clogged nostril will stay clogged for a while.



++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
if i don't get my presence felt here for some time, please refer to the writing above. so i'll just give you a bump when i do.

everything is pouring on me. so many things to do and so many things to decide on.

11:30 AM, sunday. just woke up and i'm in front of the computer drinking a cup of coffee with a lit cigarette beside the keyboard. this is supposed to be a slow day. well it's a sunday and it's hot so... but as i sit in front of the computer, surfing on irrelevant things, i feel an urgency for everything. i'm just sitting here and i feel that i'm moving too fast and everything around me is in slow motion. maybe it's just the coffee. but then again, i'm like this for the last couple of days. i don't know. maybe everything is wrong, or maybe there's just too much of everything, or maybe i've been listening too much of radiohead's albums, or maybe this is just one of those times when i think too much and the maybes just won't stop coming.

i'm busy while doing nothing. it's a cool irony but there's nothing cool when you're in this situation. the mind in a treadmill so to speak. running as fast as it can without actually moving. a simple case of vanity? i don't know the purpose yet so how can i answer that. and does the mind ever fail its own intentions? i don't even know if that is possible.

question marks and exclamation points are the only things in my head...

i made it pass the 100 comments mark!...so uhm do i get to receive a prize? ughh the complete rainbow inspired zeitgeist albums? an original copy of the machina ii vinyl perhaps? ...anything?

please let me know as soon as possible 'coz the excitement is killing me and i hate surprises

on a lighter note...
after so many nights of partying, it's sad to say that the fun is over for me 'coz i have to go to work.

oh sweet summer break, i miss you already. it feels just like yesterday when i was throwing up so bad because i had too many drinks...err, now that i remember, that did happen yesterday. and now it's all over...OVER...now ain't that a b*tch

===============================
oh and by the way, i'm drinking pepsi right now. i actually thought that the whole angry sentiment towards the softdrinks manufacturer in this site was funny. well actually the timing was the punchline. what i mean is, do people here need an issue related to the band to see something in a negative light when all the while our grandparents never failed to remind us that drinking soda is bad for us? i don't know...maybe i'm just too cynical about everything.

oh and i don't give a damn if it's from tap water or from a hidden spring just beside a train station's men's room 'coz i like how it tastes.

(woah. that has to be longest title i've ever done for a blog or for anything for that matter)

it's pass 1 AM here and i'm still up 'coz my head's killing me. hangover's a b*tch. but i love it though, i have to, well, 'coz i also love drinking and both come in a packaged deal. NIN's playing in the background and i'm sure one of our neighbors will show up with a gun or a kitchen knife in front of our door anytime soon.

oh well...

but the thing is, this crappy state which i am in made me think of some things which apparently i've been conveniently neglecting. in spite of the celebrations for the end of the term and all, a few interesting things happened

well it's hard to say...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=iFx2TmQfM-o

or maybe i just need another aspirin. i don't know

the semester's over. all that's left is for the grades to be released but i'll deal with that when it comes so now it's time to get obliterated by alcohol and all that goes well with it.

went drinking with my classmates last night to celebrate and now i have a hangover. i hope it goes away soon because we'll be having more booze tonight (eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow you'll die). and the cycle goes on and on until, well, i die...or the next semester begins

the semester's about to end and things just keep pouring in. heck i think i'm starting to forget what the word sleep means.

oh, sweet summer vacation/redemption i can almost taste you...


++++++++++++++++++++

as of 3/1/08 my life is less miserable. WooHoo!!!!
our UN simulation concluded yesterday and i just finished a final paper for one of my subjects after days of sleepless nights.

7 final examinations and 1 brain melting paper to go and i'm a free man!
(i don't know if that bears any celebration, but what the heck...WooHoo!)

i have to lessen up on the things i've been taking and have come to love.
'coz just the other day i was drinking with my friends and when it got a little too much, i threw up.
and the color of my vommit was black.
looking back, i actually thought it was the coolest vommit EVER. it made me wonder though...


but hey! i like black!
maybe i'll just live a cleaner life when my vommit turns violet...
i never liked that color...

It's considered to be a norm for one to read about crimes in the daily paper or see it in the tube. Sh*t happens. It's a part of life regardless that the thought of it is hard to swallow. But looking back to what we've been through, it's hard not to be disappointed. We do things that hurt us, we put a band-aid on it, then we hurt ourselves again. It is a never ending cycle that seems to find immortality in the entire history of mankind and beyond.

What's more disappointing is that we're smarter now (well, you might argue that we are not since all of these bullsh*ts are still happening). We have science, we have technology, we have our history books, but what have they contributed to us by far? I say little. I said that because it seems that as we got smarter, we apparently got dumber as well. The savage who only thinks about himself and throws rocks at his offender evolved and got smarter. And the result of his accumulated knowledge gave way to the modern man - one who uses not rocks, but guns to ward off his offender and someone who invented things to exploit everything around him so that he could satisfy his unlimitted desires. I guess the savage of the past didn't die, he just had some upgrades.

in the next 10 minutes.haha

exams week is over and we'll be having a couple of drinks...or fifteen...well, i really couldn't put a number on it 'coz we'll be drinking until our bodies surrender.

oh sweet redemption! i can't wait!

cheers to hegel for being one heck of an assh*le!!!
WOOHOO!!!

and so does Hegel
uhm...and so does Hegel (well, it bears repeating).
and studying too (wait, didn't i...who cares).

..I think I'm going crazy and Hegel and my professors are the ones to blame. God I'd love to burn their cars...wait hegel's dead, and uhm, did he had a car?
oh f*ck i think i just made things even more complicated...oh well.

and Daydream is playing and it's near the I'm going crazy part. oh how I love coincidence...

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

exams week is a b*tch and i still have five more days of torment and misery. how i wish someone would just take me away from all of these...or bring me a couple of bottles of beer..or twelve

ggkuw ifnkhlsagehneghoey867894hujhwslngl3
(oops that was just me thinking out loud)

well let me tell you something about myself...hmmm, wait. that won't be fun...so now i've decided not to tell anymore coz it'll only spoil the whole mystery. and we don't want that, right?


===========================================================================


UGHHH...

what defines me is you.
oh and you're definitely wrong if you think i'm making you blush.
you see, when i look at myself in the mirror, all i see is what you are not.
there was never really a me.
there is only what you think of me in reference to what you think you are.
the term 'being an individual' i think is meaningless.
why do i say so? well, let's have a couple of mental gymnastics and we'll see if you'll give me a nod.
if you say that i'm handsome that means that i am not ugly. and because ugly is the opposite of handsome, i cannot have the two characteristics at the same time.
no person is handsome and ugly at the same time.
no person is wise and stupid at the same time.
no person is loving and cruel at the time.
...and here is where the magic starts. since the opposite of me cannot exist in me at the same time, it has to exist in someone else.
it exists in you.
if i said that i'm handsome, it means that i know someone who is ugly to justify that.
you cannot call something good if you don't know what is bad, right?

so everything that i am is in reference to what you are.
my being is dependent in yours.
and since being an idividual means being independent and no person can have an identity without using that of the other's as reference, the term being an individual loses its meaning...

i don't know maybe i'm just thinking too hard, but try giving it a thought or two.

but then again, maybe i just need a bottle of beer.


============================================================================

HEEYYYY!!!!

i'll be gone for a couple of days because it's exams week and all. ARRGGG!!!! (oh, and uhmm, i'm banging my head on the monitor right now just so you know) it'll only take a few days. so don't you think i love you less if i don't reply!

may peace, love and smiles surround you, your family and your friends. Ciao!