I just read the first article written by one of the 5 "chosen" PMM applicants and although it all sounds well and good, and I'm happy for him, happy for them all really, I can't help but feel a little pissed.

I know my writing skills are above average, and while I'm sure that there are millions out there who can write a lot more eloquently than myself, I can't help but feel a bit cheated about the whole thing.

Not only did I see this as a fantastic opportunity to make a bit of extra cash given my somewhat strained financial situation at present, I saw this as an opportunity to express love. Love for a band I feel so passionate about, who seem to move me 6 ways from Sunday. I believe I wrote an awesome essay as an example of my knowledge of the pumpkins, my understanding of their music beyond "a good sound", and I don't think I was too biased towards the band at all. I love this band, I spend money I don't have on a band just to go and see them as much as I possibly can given the opportunity. I wasn't too crazypsycho fan, nor am I. I'm not obsessed over Billy.. I realise he has a lot of faults like all of us. I'm not so obsessed that I can't see in a reasonable and logical fashion. I don't spend every day scouring the web for bits and pieces on the band, nor would I given the chance. While I would love to spend every minute of the day talking about the pumpkins, I just can't. To me, the pumpkins are a personal experience that no one can know quite like me. No one will enjoy exactly what I enjoy about them and no one will dislike what I dislike about them. No one will understand how I came to bond with the pumpkins and how they came to be such a big part of my life and my being.

I wanted to use this PMM job as an opportunity to give back to the pumpkins what they've given to me over the years. All I want to do is show the band how truly appreciative I am of how they've influenced my life and helped me to grow as a person. It's because of them that I'm the person I am today. I couldn't have gotten through half the crap I've been through without this bunch of people who seem to know me inside out and yet have never come into contact with me.

All I want is to be able to get into contact with any of them - Billy particularly because I seem to be able to relate to him so much more than the others. I'm willing to do anything and everything for this band to show my appreciation for the life they've helped carve for me.

If I can't write for the band, what the hell can I do? Keep writing in my little blog, for a few people to read and then move along?