I just read the first article written by one of the 5 "chosen" PMM applicants and although it all sounds well and good, and I'm happy for him, happy for them all really, I can't help but feel a little pissed.

I know my writing skills are above average, and while I'm sure that there are millions out there who can write a lot more eloquently than myself, I can't help but feel a bit cheated about the whole thing.

Not only did I see this as a fantastic opportunity to make a bit of extra cash given my somewhat strained financial situation at present, I saw this as an opportunity to express love. Love for a band I feel so passionate about, who seem to move me 6 ways from Sunday. I believe I wrote an awesome essay as an example of my knowledge of the pumpkins, my understanding of their music beyond "a good sound", and I don't think I was too biased towards the band at all. I love this band, I spend money I don't have on a band just to go and see them as much as I possibly can given the opportunity. I wasn't too crazypsycho fan, nor am I. I'm not obsessed over Billy.. I realise he has a lot of faults like all of us. I'm not so obsessed that I can't see in a reasonable and logical fashion. I don't spend every day scouring the web for bits and pieces on the band, nor would I given the chance. While I would love to spend every minute of the day talking about the pumpkins, I just can't. To me, the pumpkins are a personal experience that no one can know quite like me. No one will enjoy exactly what I enjoy about them and no one will dislike what I dislike about them. No one will understand how I came to bond with the pumpkins and how they came to be such a big part of my life and my being.

I wanted to use this PMM job as an opportunity to give back to the pumpkins what they've given to me over the years. All I want to do is show the band how truly appreciative I am of how they've influenced my life and helped me to grow as a person. It's because of them that I'm the person I am today. I couldn't have gotten through half the crap I've been through without this bunch of people who seem to know me inside out and yet have never come into contact with me.

All I want is to be able to get into contact with any of them - Billy particularly because I seem to be able to relate to him so much more than the others. I'm willing to do anything and everything for this band to show my appreciation for the life they've helped carve for me.

If I can't write for the band, what the hell can I do? Keep writing in my little blog, for a few people to read and then move along?

They certainly had criterias. I remember when Billy and Jimmy spoke about the choice of musicians to be part of the tour with Smashing Pumpkins, their capacity as musician was not the only criteria. They spoke of integrity, without really explain what they meant by that.

Did you see many person if not all of them are representing a group? Are already dedicated to Smashing Pumpkins, working on their own side to promote the band, their music and their love for the band.

What I was surprised to hear was a lot of people applied because so few of them wrote on the website. Even after. Probably, one reason to choose those persons was because they didn't wait a job to be involved.

We never knows where our passion leads us but when we act with all our heart, not counting, we always have marvelous gifts from life.

Now you freed your heart with your legitimate resentment, look in front of you and be who you are. If you love writing, write. If you love Smashing Pumpkins, write about them. Don't be shy and write on the first page. Others will read you (or not) but you'll follow your heart.

Be blessed, young woman. With love.

Martine

You're certainly a wise human being and the road you'll walk will certainly give you a lot to learn meaning experiment. And we are sure of it, aren't we?

Have a good day brotagaia!

luckwith yourbook... becareful between 27-31... confusing years they say

Your blog, as often, brings matter to reflection up.

In 2004, in his book, he said: "All credit is placed in the arms of God, who thought this whole deal up. God blesses me every day with the greatest of wonders, and points me well into light and shadow alike. I can't say I mind too much". Also, all his work with Sonia Choquette "Trust your vibes".

I can be wrong but I see Billy let the world brings the answer. He is known as very decisive. Maybe he is again learning to read the world. So... also the doubt.

Have a good day dear friend!

Martine

Hi brotagaia,
Thank you so much for having a look at my poem! You said some really nice things & it's so nice to hear that someone thinks they are good. I've never shown them to anyone before I posted on this site. But I'm really glad I have now! But more than that, you really seem to get what I'm trying to say in the poems & that it so cool!
So thanks again, hope I hear from you soon!
Butterfly xxx

Hey brotagaia,
How are u doing! I just popped over to say hey & saw your blog, its really good, ya know & very true too. People are just so complex arent they? People often say life is complicated but alot of the time, its the people that are complicated and life is just what it is.
Thanx for saying you liked my poem too! That was a really good idea too what you said about combining the poetry with reviewing music. It made me think about all that and about broadening my ideas too. I've already started! I filled in the "wht I'm a fan" part of my profile and decided to make it a poem instead! So if you're not busy or anything, I'd love it if you could maybe pop to my profile & have a peep & maybe let me know what you think?
That would be cool! Hope all is well & that you're having a nice weekend! Talk soon!
Butterfly1 x

your blog speaks to me today... im all tow up too

Thanks for the friend add! That was really quick! I was wondering too, if you got a chance, would you maybe have a look at a poem that I wrote on my blog? I just put it up there & I'd love to know if you thought I was any better (or worse!!) at that??
Thanx alot new friend! And dont worry about comments being good or bad? I do know its not personal, but I really do need opinions sometimes about that kinda thing from people who dont know me in person as they are usually way more objective! Do u know what I mean?
Anyway, thanks again & talk to you soon!
Butterfly1 x

Hi brotagaia,
How are you? I just wanted to say thanks for the feedback you left on my recent American Gothic review! I have replied to everyone individually in one big comment that I have posted in the comments section of the review!
Thanks again,
Buttefly1 x

"Billy's been known to do that whenever someone asks him a ridiculously stupid question.. I've even heard a story from Placebo about it - one of them was chatting with him, getting along really well and then out of nowhere he asked Billy "So did you notice any difference in your songwriting when you shaved your head?". Apparently he just looked at this guy like he wasn't sure whether he was taking the piss or not(making fun of him.. sorry! australian slang), and then when he realised that the guy wasn't and that he was actually just asking a really retarded question, he just got up and walked away."

Psychological studies show the relation between a physical changing, for exemple hairstyle, on the psychology of someone and the expression of a changing in one's life. The question wasn't so retarded, it seems to me. Maybe, it was the way it was asked? Was it a long time ago?